What exactly is a Russian sauna? The actual name of it is a “banya”, and it’s a huge public bathhouse that you experience in steps – naked. OK, the protocol has changed a bit since those times. But in the past, the typical agenda was done in the raw – boys and girls together – and included a stop at the dry heat room first, then being pummeled about the body with your choice of a dried birch, oak, or juniper branch – until all the impurities, and your sanity, was beaten out of you. Then, it was off to the pool, to sink or swim, – get a few drinks to steady the experience – and you were done!
These days, if you’re thinking of trying the experience, there’s really not much to worry about. Things have changed a bit – and except for the dry sauna, the tree pummeling, the drowning pool, and the drinks – most of the facilities are now separated into “the boys” and “the girls” facilities. And no matter which banya you choose to go to – even those that still take a “co-ed” approach – all of them have adopted – and probably require – swimming attire to be worn on the premises – instead of the birthday suit of years before. Even in a foreign country, that doesn’t seem too hard to follow, right?
OK, pretend you’re brave enough to go to that bathhouse, alone, and by accident, end up in the “mens” sauna with a bunch of guys who are smiling, but can’t understand you anymore than you can understand them – but they want you to stay? Or how about if you need to tell your massage therapist that you can’t take any more of that stick? It won’t be so fun when you’re lost and no one knows what your sad attempts at sign language mean. It could get scary!
Well, it’s highly unlikely this would ever happen, but then again, you never know, right? So in the interest of saving you the embarrassment of having to gesticulate wildly to get your message across to those who still don’t get what you are trying to say, here are a few words and phrases in that native language, in easy to pronounce English phonetics – and all of them entirely appropriate to use, if ever needed, in a “banya” experience:
The “waking up to a surprise” situation – You’ve dozed off peacefully, by yourself, in the dry sauna. Suddenly you awake to the sound of male voices speaking in Russian, and you can tell the only subject they’re discussing is you – and your bikini. You need a towel to cover yourself so you can escape to the peacefulness of being beaten by a birch stick, but you don’t know where to get one. Your arm movements aren’t getting you anywhere – and the men just keep shrugging, laughing, and staring. How do you get your message across? With the Russian word for “towel”, pronounced Pa-la-T-YENT-se. The men suddenly understand and get you one! The next words you utter gratefully are Bol-shoe-spasi-bo – or Thank You!
The “Stop it, it HURTS!” situation – So against your better judgement, you decide to try the “impurity purging” with a oak stick – which you discover, feels more like a tree limb. With each blow to the leg, the need for medical attention in the near future seems more of a reality. What you say, while you can still speak, is Mesto-dlja-invalida, Bol-shoe-spasi-bo, which basically means, “Please tell me where the hospital is, thanks”. And the masseuse will stop long enough to give you directions.
The “Someone get me a drink” situation – Surprisingly enough, you’re almost done with your Russian sauna experience, and despite the bikini incident, and being beaten with a tree, you’re still alive, and have even taken a swim to finish the day, without incident. But you could really use a drink. You know they serve them here because you keep seeing people carrying glasses with tiny umbrellas, and acting a little too happy for to be sober and facing rush hour traffic this late in the afternoon. You’d like to feel that positive about life yourself, but the waitresses keep ignoring your chugging gestures. So, all you have to do is just say “Peeva”, and you should see an ice cold beer appear before very long. Don’t forget to enthusiastically say “Bol-shoe-spasi-bo”, so they bring you another one as soon as you’re done with the first.
So now that you’ve learned some things that will get you out of a jam at a Russian sauna, you can enjoy your first adventure knowing you’re covered by the fine art of communication.
A Russian sauna NYC visit is like that of no other health spa or sauna in the world. When you enjoy a Russian bath NYC, you will feel relaxed and invigorated at the same time.